I killed Myself

This is the story of late Dechen Lhazom, 16 year old girl. Her story remained unknown until she finally decided to take her own life one day. On that day, she kept her diary beneath her pillow. It was covered in dry stains of blood. Pages were torn. There were lots of sad faces drawn all over the pages. Some were teary-faced. Others were annoyed-looking faces. In between the shattered pages of Dechen’s personal diary, there was a note written in blue ink. The note read as;

NO ONE heard my CRIES

Yes. Not even you, ama. You did not hear my cries. I cried every night to myself. Days started to become worse when your another man entered our so called ‘HOME’. After daddy left us last year, you brought another man back home. And that man made each passing day miserable for me. It was no more a home. It was a living hell for me.

I wanted to accept him and give my fatherly respect. But he looked at me with surreal expressions and stared at my body most of the time. It made me feel so awkward. I tried avoiding his dirty looks. I was hard for me to stand his obscene gestures. However, I couldn’t do anything in my power. I felt helpless. Taking advantage of my vulnerability, he did not leave me alone in peace. Whenever you went to work during night shifts, he forcefully entered my room and sexually abused me. He touched everywhere and tightened his grips whenever I tried to escape. I was raped all the time during your absence, ama. I was RAPED! All those nights were horrifying. Pain clutched to me and I could feel my nerves breaking down. I could have told you right away but I couldn’t. You know why, ama? Because he gave frightful warnings to not share about his dark secrets of sexually abusing me with anyone. If I ever did, he would start torturing you. I didn’t want to see you in pain, getting abused and tortured by that rascal. So, I decided to take that pain from you.

As days rolled on, my focus from studies got diverted. I couldn’t keep my mind away from all those horrific nights and abuses. Every time I tried to study, his monstrous expressions ran through my mind. It became so difficult for me to remember any lessons. I struggled. I struggled a lot back in school as well as at home. But no one really tried to know what was going on in my life. As expected, I couldn’t bring any good results at the end. You grew so angry. You slapped me. I still remember how you directly accused me for the downfall without asking me what was wrong, why I was performing poorly. You were really disappointed with my performance and grounded me for almost a week or two. And I accepted them all because you always wanted the best for me. However, the bitter truth was hidden and I was getting tortured with those scary days entering my life.

Things became hard. I was pressurized deep down with heavy pain growing inside my bruised heart. Back home, I tried my best to act normal, but my spirits were broken all the time. I tried studying but I failed badly. Even teachers were displeased and started to lose faith in me. I was not the topper anymore. I was in the bottom list.

Besides you mom, even my friends did not hear my cries. They did not see the ocean of pain bulging inside my shattered heart. Just because I could no longer perform well in academics, my closest friends started ignoring me. My best friend left me all alone. She refused to accept me in the group. They jeered at me when I scored low in every subject. In the class, everyone left me alone in a corner. They mocked at me and always laughed in groups staring at me. They never understood the kind of situation I was going through. I badly wished for them to understand me and my pain. But no one ever did. They just continued to humiliate me and threw me out from their groups. Those acts further broke me and pain became bigger.

Soon I started abusing drugs. No one knew about this. I became friends with some guys from the school. All of them were drug abusers. I shared some of my problems to them. They shared theirs as well. We could understand each other. They were also from same chaotic backgrounds just like me. I felt better for some days. I felt good after meeting them. However, the pain again started to pile up when those same guys started to sexually abuse me after letting me take some extra doses of tablets.

Everyone started abusing me like anything. My heart became weaker and weaker. Pain became bigger and bigger. I was unable to tell anyone. I was paranoid that you all won’t understand. I was fearful of being judged. It felt like you all would be better off without me. Life really became hard for me. I couldn’t digest pain anymore. It was a different reality for me. I only knew I wanted the pain to stop, the anguish to go away. I couldn’t go on living the life I had. It was killing me.

I am really sorry, ama. Situations and the growing pain made me do this. I was tired of feeling stronger than I felt. Life started to hurt a lot more than death. So, I finally decided to take my own life. I took this step. The terrible step yet the only way I find reliving at this moment.

Bye everyone. My cries were never heard. And I give up now. But please don’t be like this for anyone here after. It’s really difficult when you feel like you don’t have anyone. So, be there for people around you. Support them. Love them. Don’t let anyone take this step. The step I took.

Bye.

After reading the note, her mom cried a lot. Thick tears rolled down her cheeks. Her mind was webbed with lots of sad thoughts. She regretted a lot for not trying to be there when her daughter needed her the most. For not understanding her pain. And for all the struggles she went through in her presence and absence.

Takeaway from this story– Feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn’t mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. It only means that you have more pain than you can cope with right now. This pain seems overwhelming and permanent at the moment. But with time and support, you can overcome your problems, and the pain and suicidal feelings will pass. The pain of depression can be treated and hope can be renewed. No matter what your situation is, there are people who need you, places where you can make a difference, and experiences that can remind you that life is worth living. It takes real courage to face death and step back from the brink. You can use that courage to face life, to learn coping skills for overcoming depression, and for finding the strength to keep going. Please know that suicide is never an option. Don’t do drugs just to let go of your problems. Everything is temporary. Don’t destroy your life permanently for a temporary reason. You are strong and you can cope with this so called ‘roller coaster life’. Yes, never ignore someone. Don’t mock at them and humiliate them like Dechen’s friends did. You never know what is happening in someone else’s life. Be good to everyone around you. Things can get better and life, a lot happier. If you agree, comment ‘Say No To Suicide’ and share this story to as many people as possible. Spread the message with #SayNoToSuicide. We cannot lose more people like Dechen. Let’s make this society a better place to live in for everyone.

© 2020 Tshering Pelden

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4 thoughts on “I killed Myself

  1. It’s really sad story and make me cry.i hope people can do better and not to abuse other life… As mentioned above life is so precious therefore never try to self-immolation and be strong..

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